Oh Hey There! It's June!

Wow. I cannot believe how long it's been since I last blogged. I suppose some updates are in order. We found out in March that we are having a BABY GIRL. Said baby girl is due on July 12. Less than a month to go! Oh, goodness. Most of me is excited to meet the little lady and the rest of me is scared s***less. In all honesty, I just want to keep her alive. Bob and I kept Maggie Dog alive so hopefully we can manage a small human, right? It has been an overall smooth pregnancy with no complications (except raging hormones, serious heartburn, charley horses, and baby on bladder making it feel like I had a UTI). I guess pregnancy can't be all glamorous. One thing that has been interesting is how small the tummy has remained. I'm measuring right on track and Little Lady is healthy and growing, but the belly has remained rather small from month to month. Here is a progression of the growing bebe:

 14 Weeks

17 Weeks 

 28 Weeks

34 Weeks

I finally feel like when I go into public people are looking at me like a pregnant woman, not a she's-been-eating-too-many-jelly-doughnuts-lady. There was a while there where I looked awkward (see the first two pictures). It was as if I had gone back in time to Junior High and was in that "developing" stage. Niiiice. 

Anywho, I spent the majority of the pregnancy working for Wasatch County doing Speech-Language Pathology. It was a great year and I loved all the wonderful people that I worked with. The last day of school was bittersweet since I have decided not to return next year. Commuting 80 minutes a day was wearing on me, and I don't think I'll want to make the same commute with a baby at home. Instead, I've accepted a position to be a private contractor down here in the valley. I'll be able to make my own schedule and work 2 days a week. Boom baby! I honestly couldn't ask for a better setup after having a summer baby. It's like there's someone up there looking out for us, or something ;)

So, with school out I've become a full-time couch potato/cleaner extraordinaire. I've started organizing every drawer, cupboard, nook, and cranny of our little house. I've assembled furniture, and probably lifted stuff that should be off-limits. Oh well, no contractions yet so I'm not worrying. I'm pretty much just a parasite host at this point. I'm in no rush to get this baby here, but I am anxious for her to come so I'll have something to do besides cleaning and organizing all day. I'd also like my body back. Granted, I'm planning to breastfeed so I technically won't get my body back for a while, but at least when she kicks it won't be aimed at one of my organs.

So, all-in-all, things are going well with the Neve clan. Bob works, Maggie sleeps, Baby wiggles, and I clean. 

And the fun is just beginning...

Oh Boy! Or Girl?

Operation find-out-what-the-baby-is commences tomorrow at 1200 hours. I'm betting on human and girl, and Bob is betting humanoid and boy.

My niece is 100% sure it's a girl and got upset when my mom tried to explain that we haven't found out the sex yet.

Both nephews on my side think it's a boy, but that could be because they are also boys and want another buddy to play with.

I'm honestly just hoping that it has two arms, two legs, all its fingers and toes, and at least one eye.

I'm also nervous as heck as if it'll be my fault if it's missing a body part. I can hear the technician now...

"How careless can you be? You only grew the baby one arm! Don't you know that most humans have two?!"

Oye.

Anywho, all-in-all it'll be nice to finally have a pronoun to give this fetus. Calling it "it" is soooo first trimester.

Thoughts on what I've been growing these past 4 1/2 months?

Sometimes I Exploit My Baby

I know I said I wouldn't post anything about baby/pregnancy until we found out what the little squeaker is (besides human), but if you are looking for any updates you can read my new blog.

http://what-to-really-expect.blogspot.com

After I found out that I was pregnant I starting thinking how I wanted to keep a baby journal. Every time I tried to write something down it felt too sappy and soooo not me.

I had some time to kill this last Sunday and decided to start chronicling the most random things that have happened during pregnancy (that no one warns you about). You know, constipation, random embarrassments, all the glamorous things.

Before I knew it I had titles for close to 10 posts that I wanted to write. I've since added another 10 and written 3. I tell you, this is so much easier than journaling, "today at the doctor's appointment the baby's heartbeat was 160bpm..." (and way more entertaining, might I add.)

Anywho, jump on over there if you feel so inclined. If you're not interested in the lady-growing-a-human schtuff, ignore this shameless plug for my cool, new blog and carry on with your regularly programmed awesomeness.

Baby Mama (& Papa)

Well folks, we did it. After 13 months of trying, Bob and I finally found out that we're having a baby.

[Insert squeals of excitement and nervousness here]

We were so happy when we found out that we cried. All. weekend. long. I cried because I was happy. I cried because I was scared. I cried because I was exploding with anticipation. I cried because I felt nauseous and realized that pregnancy is 9 months long. And I cried because my heart went out to all the women who have wanted a baby as much as me (maybe even more) but for much longer.

I have since cried because "Break My Stride" came on the radio when I was driving to work. That was hilarious.

Also, movie premieres, sappy commercials, and having to leave Maggie at home when I go to work have made me cry. (No joke, there were, like, 4 mornings in a row when I started bawling because I had to go to work and leave Maggie at home alone).

My moms have been totally awesome since I feel completely clueless with everything going on. Also, Google is a close friend. I've googled everything under the sun beginning with the phrase "Can pregnant women...?"

So, to document a few things:

I am almost 15 weeks into growing little Nevelet. Yes on finding out the sex. We have very traditional, classic names on the baby list. No, I will not post a weekly picture of my belly. I will also not post annoying updates on my growing belly, cravings, wiggly baby (which I can't quite feel moving yet), or how tired/annoyed/happy/overwhelmed I feel at that moment.

So besides this post, the one about baby's sex, and letting you know when s/he comes, that's about all I'm going to bug the cyber world with.

I do continue to hope and pray that some of my close friends trying to get pregnant will have their luck change soon. Each month that passed that we weren't getting pregnant felt like a stab to the heart. It was hard to not think that something was wrong. Also, it seemed like every woman in a 5 mile radius of me was pregnant. I even blocked some people from my Facebook feeds because it made me sad to read their pregnancy updates.

Anywho, here's the picture I posted on Facebook as proof that I've got a baby in my belly:

I'm feeling pretty legit. In fact, I'm too legit. I'm too legit to quit. (Really, it has a fast heartbeat, fingerprints, and peach fuzz. We're in this for the long haul).

Well, NeveChild. I look forward to seeing a creepy picture of you via ultrasound in a few weeks (honestly, those pictures freak me out), and embarrassing the crap out of you for the rest of your life.

Adventure awaits!

Career Worman

First things first, I am a capable speller and my title was a purposeful accident. As I began typing the title of my post, my left pointer finger decided to have a spaz moment and throw a "r" in the word "woman." I quickly began to backspace my mistake until I realized that some mistakes are meant to be. This was one of those convenient mistakes.

I'm happy to report that I'm still alive n' kicking. Nothing new in the baby department, but alas, I'm trying to have the perspective that a little squishy being will join us at the right time and place. (Still aiming for "soon" and "my womb," but I have no idea what the future holds). Cross your fingers for us, won't you?

Miniature humans aside, I am full-on, waist-deep in my career. I have been working as a Speech-Language Pathologist for a school district in a small town in Utah for a little over 2 months now. Working with little squeakers all day has done a number on my immune system, but I'm hanging in there. At the moment I'm fighting my 4th infection since school started and I currently sound like a much older, much sexier version of Cilla. I'm also a phlegm factory. Too much info? But seriously, if you need someone to act as your mother, call the principal, and get you out of class, I'm your gal.

In other news, Bob, Maggie, and I packed up our small basement apartment and moved ABOVE GROUND into a fun, cute, well-lit house. We now live on a cozy, tree-lined street and I'm on cloud nine. It feels amazing to have so much sun light streaming through our windows all day long. I feel so much happier in our new home! Yippee!

Work has been stressful, moving has been stressful, getting sick over and over again has been stressful. The result of this stress? Unintentional weight loss. I get busy at work, or start unpacking a box and forget to eat. I'm down almost 25lbs from where I was at the beginning of Summer. During my Master's program I gained 15-20lbs. I was stressed then, but why in the world did I gain weight? I honestly cannot make heads or tails of it. It's funny, the longer I go without getting pregnant, the skinnier I get. It's like my body is telling the rest of the world that I am the complete opposite of pregnant. Oh, life

So there's the "worm" part of my title. I'm back to being a shapeless lady. Oh, hips, why did you disappear with the weight? My jeans miss you.

Well there's my update. I work a lot. I get sick a lot. I cuddle with Maggie a lot. I'm trying to become a better SLP and help my kiddos the best that I can. I'm about 80% sure that I'm succeeding. Next up on the agenda? Enjoy Halloween with family, chili, cider, and Young Frankenstein. Plus, if this voice doesn't change I suddenly have lots of costume options.

Happy Autumn!

Big Girls Don't Cry

That tiny flicker of hope that I had this weekend was crushed by the arrival of a monthly friend on Sunday. I'm surprised to say that I didn't cry. I felt officially defeated, but I did not cry.

When searching for a little quote to toss in with goodies to take around to neighbors today I came across this gem from Elder David S. Baxter:

"Many of you have already discovered the great, transforming truth that when you lift the burdens of others, your own burdens become lighter. Although circumstances may not have changed, your attitude has. You are able to face your own trials with greater acceptance, a more understanding heart, and deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you yet lack."

I love the latter part of this quote about having a deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you lack. Infertility at any level forces you to focus on what you lack. You lack a family. You lack a fetus in your belly, a baby in your arms, spit up on your shoulder. Your heart aches for the want of a child.

I have found comfort these past few months in feeling gratitude for the things that I do have in my life. My life is wonderful, and I have a lot that brings me happiness. It's simply hard to focus on the things you have when there is such a big thing missing.

I am the first to admit that I suck at feeling gratitude and not anger or irritation at my current situation. I didn't cry on Sunday, but I did pout and stomp my feet (yes, I am apparently 5). I've got a long way to go to stop focusing so much on what I'm lacking versus what I have, but I figure that I'm moving in the right direction.

After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

TTC (Trying To Conceive)

This morning I failed a urine test. Now before you get all shocked and send me information on local support groups in my area, let me assure you that it wasn't THAT type of test. It was a pregnancy test.

And I failed it big time.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've been trying to ace this test for the past year. I actually stopped testing for a while because the arrival of my monthly visitor was enough to know I would have failed the test (Plus, I heard the ever popular "Just stop trying and worrying for a while and it'll happen" Guess what? It didn't).

Each month I try harder to pass the test. I heard that caffeine can decrease fertility. I drank less soda. My friend suggested using ovulation tests for better planning. I bought 50 on Amazon (For $11. Go me!) I've Googled "ways to increase fertility" and "does [insert some random food/drink/OTC medication/lotion/etc] decrease fertility" so many times those suggestions drop down even when I'm not planning on doing baby-making research.

But alas, after peeing in a cup enough to last me a lifetime I still failed the test. I kept staring at it willing a second line to appear. Even the faintest of lines would have given me some hope. But, no. The screen was a white as white comes. Not even mother-of-pearl white, but burn-out-your-retinas white.

[Sigh]

I'm not writing this blog as a pity party. I'm writing it because it's hard to swallow your hurt and simply answer "In a while" when someone asks you when you're going to have a baby. I don't know what it is, but after you've been married for 3 years people start attacking you with the baby question. The truth is, I don't know when we'll have a baby. I don't even know if we CAN have a baby. 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying (heck, 80% get pregnant within 6 months). And we are not those people.

When I met with my doctor before we started trying he told me that it could take up to 6 months after going off birth control before getting pregnant. Most of my friends got pregnant within 4 months of going off the pill so I was feeling confident that we would too.

And here I sit with nothing in but stomach but McDonald's.

Remember growing up how everyone told you "Don't have sex. It leads to pregnancy?" Well I trusted that statement. I trusted it big time. It was like an mathematical law.

Sex + No Protection = Baby

This equation has changed in the past year to

Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet = Maybe Baby

to

Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet + Ovulation Kit = Probably Not Baby

And even after I get pregnant I'm petrified of miscarriage. I'm scared of complications during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And with the way my luck's been going, I'm not confident that I'll have a "smooth" pregnancy. There are some days I get upset and just think "We'll just have to open a dog rescue so I can be surrounded my puppies my whole life." But, of course, I know that a puppy can't quite stack up to a baby.

I also know that many women have had to endure a lot more than me, and I have so much love and respect for them. I have yet to begin the next step of Operation GetABelly, but I can tell you right now that I am not looking forward to popping more pills, or getting shot up with hormones. I want to get pregnant the natural way like the majority of the population does. I want my simple math equation!

But I understand that life doesn't always go as planned. I pride myself on being a pretty flexible person, being able to adapt when things change around me. I guess this is just another adaptation. And I look forward to telling little Baby Neve, whenever or however they come to us, that I worked for them. That I wanted them and prayed for them before they were even in my tummy.

Aunt Flo still has yet to arrive this month. So there is the tiniest flicker of hope in the hidden corner of my heart that today's test was a fluke. It's extremely unlikely that it was, but I'll keep going on those little hopes. Because maybe one day that little hope will be a squishy, pink, wonderful little human being that will call me "Mom."



P.S. This is a fantastic post about what not to say to a couple TTC. Often times, these things just make a girl feel worse.