Career Worman

First things first, I am a capable speller and my title was a purposeful accident. As I began typing the title of my post, my left pointer finger decided to have a spaz moment and throw a "r" in the word "woman." I quickly began to backspace my mistake until I realized that some mistakes are meant to be. This was one of those convenient mistakes.

I'm happy to report that I'm still alive n' kicking. Nothing new in the baby department, but alas, I'm trying to have the perspective that a little squishy being will join us at the right time and place. (Still aiming for "soon" and "my womb," but I have no idea what the future holds). Cross your fingers for us, won't you?

Miniature humans aside, I am full-on, waist-deep in my career. I have been working as a Speech-Language Pathologist for a school district in a small town in Utah for a little over 2 months now. Working with little squeakers all day has done a number on my immune system, but I'm hanging in there. At the moment I'm fighting my 4th infection since school started and I currently sound like a much older, much sexier version of Cilla. I'm also a phlegm factory. Too much info? But seriously, if you need someone to act as your mother, call the principal, and get you out of class, I'm your gal.

In other news, Bob, Maggie, and I packed up our small basement apartment and moved ABOVE GROUND into a fun, cute, well-lit house. We now live on a cozy, tree-lined street and I'm on cloud nine. It feels amazing to have so much sun light streaming through our windows all day long. I feel so much happier in our new home! Yippee!

Work has been stressful, moving has been stressful, getting sick over and over again has been stressful. The result of this stress? Unintentional weight loss. I get busy at work, or start unpacking a box and forget to eat. I'm down almost 25lbs from where I was at the beginning of Summer. During my Master's program I gained 15-20lbs. I was stressed then, but why in the world did I gain weight? I honestly cannot make heads or tails of it. It's funny, the longer I go without getting pregnant, the skinnier I get. It's like my body is telling the rest of the world that I am the complete opposite of pregnant. Oh, life

So there's the "worm" part of my title. I'm back to being a shapeless lady. Oh, hips, why did you disappear with the weight? My jeans miss you.

Well there's my update. I work a lot. I get sick a lot. I cuddle with Maggie a lot. I'm trying to become a better SLP and help my kiddos the best that I can. I'm about 80% sure that I'm succeeding. Next up on the agenda? Enjoy Halloween with family, chili, cider, and Young Frankenstein. Plus, if this voice doesn't change I suddenly have lots of costume options.

Happy Autumn!

Big Girls Don't Cry

That tiny flicker of hope that I had this weekend was crushed by the arrival of a monthly friend on Sunday. I'm surprised to say that I didn't cry. I felt officially defeated, but I did not cry.

When searching for a little quote to toss in with goodies to take around to neighbors today I came across this gem from Elder David S. Baxter:

"Many of you have already discovered the great, transforming truth that when you lift the burdens of others, your own burdens become lighter. Although circumstances may not have changed, your attitude has. You are able to face your own trials with greater acceptance, a more understanding heart, and deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you yet lack."

I love the latter part of this quote about having a deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you lack. Infertility at any level forces you to focus on what you lack. You lack a family. You lack a fetus in your belly, a baby in your arms, spit up on your shoulder. Your heart aches for the want of a child.

I have found comfort these past few months in feeling gratitude for the things that I do have in my life. My life is wonderful, and I have a lot that brings me happiness. It's simply hard to focus on the things you have when there is such a big thing missing.

I am the first to admit that I suck at feeling gratitude and not anger or irritation at my current situation. I didn't cry on Sunday, but I did pout and stomp my feet (yes, I am apparently 5). I've got a long way to go to stop focusing so much on what I'm lacking versus what I have, but I figure that I'm moving in the right direction.

After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

TTC (Trying To Conceive)

This morning I failed a urine test. Now before you get all shocked and send me information on local support groups in my area, let me assure you that it wasn't THAT type of test. It was a pregnancy test.

And I failed it big time.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've been trying to ace this test for the past year. I actually stopped testing for a while because the arrival of my monthly visitor was enough to know I would have failed the test (Plus, I heard the ever popular "Just stop trying and worrying for a while and it'll happen" Guess what? It didn't).

Each month I try harder to pass the test. I heard that caffeine can decrease fertility. I drank less soda. My friend suggested using ovulation tests for better planning. I bought 50 on Amazon (For $11. Go me!) I've Googled "ways to increase fertility" and "does [insert some random food/drink/OTC medication/lotion/etc] decrease fertility" so many times those suggestions drop down even when I'm not planning on doing baby-making research.

But alas, after peeing in a cup enough to last me a lifetime I still failed the test. I kept staring at it willing a second line to appear. Even the faintest of lines would have given me some hope. But, no. The screen was a white as white comes. Not even mother-of-pearl white, but burn-out-your-retinas white.

[Sigh]

I'm not writing this blog as a pity party. I'm writing it because it's hard to swallow your hurt and simply answer "In a while" when someone asks you when you're going to have a baby. I don't know what it is, but after you've been married for 3 years people start attacking you with the baby question. The truth is, I don't know when we'll have a baby. I don't even know if we CAN have a baby. 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying (heck, 80% get pregnant within 6 months). And we are not those people.

When I met with my doctor before we started trying he told me that it could take up to 6 months after going off birth control before getting pregnant. Most of my friends got pregnant within 4 months of going off the pill so I was feeling confident that we would too.

And here I sit with nothing in but stomach but McDonald's.

Remember growing up how everyone told you "Don't have sex. It leads to pregnancy?" Well I trusted that statement. I trusted it big time. It was like an mathematical law.

Sex + No Protection = Baby

This equation has changed in the past year to

Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet = Maybe Baby

to

Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet + Ovulation Kit = Probably Not Baby

And even after I get pregnant I'm petrified of miscarriage. I'm scared of complications during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And with the way my luck's been going, I'm not confident that I'll have a "smooth" pregnancy. There are some days I get upset and just think "We'll just have to open a dog rescue so I can be surrounded my puppies my whole life." But, of course, I know that a puppy can't quite stack up to a baby.

I also know that many women have had to endure a lot more than me, and I have so much love and respect for them. I have yet to begin the next step of Operation GetABelly, but I can tell you right now that I am not looking forward to popping more pills, or getting shot up with hormones. I want to get pregnant the natural way like the majority of the population does. I want my simple math equation!

But I understand that life doesn't always go as planned. I pride myself on being a pretty flexible person, being able to adapt when things change around me. I guess this is just another adaptation. And I look forward to telling little Baby Neve, whenever or however they come to us, that I worked for them. That I wanted them and prayed for them before they were even in my tummy.

Aunt Flo still has yet to arrive this month. So there is the tiniest flicker of hope in the hidden corner of my heart that today's test was a fluke. It's extremely unlikely that it was, but I'll keep going on those little hopes. Because maybe one day that little hope will be a squishy, pink, wonderful little human being that will call me "Mom."



P.S. This is a fantastic post about what not to say to a couple TTC. Often times, these things just make a girl feel worse.

June Misfortunes

These past few weeks have pissed me off. A lot. About a month ago my car started stopping spontaneously while driving. I'd be driving along with no problems and the next moment... boom! Car dead. I resorted to making sure that I always drove in the right lane and stuck to neighborhoods where I wouldn't block someone if the car stopped in the middle of the road.

Fun, huh?

To make matters worse, my car registration was about to expire and I needed to get a new windshield before getting my safety and emissions done. The problem was that when I took my car in to 2 different shops neither could find out was wrong. One even told me to just keep driving it around until it got worse.

'Cause having a car stop on me every time I drive it isn't bad enough? Sure, Mr. Mechanic Guy. I'm happy to drive this scary car around a little longer.

Long story short, my check engine light turned on as we were driving home from the shop (just my luck) and after paying the dealership for 2 days worth of diagnostic work after the check engine light turned on they wanted an additional $650 to repair the car.

Equeeze me? $800 repair AFTER paying $150 for a new windshield and still having to pay for safety and emission AND re-registering my car.

Even though Bob and I just graduated from out graduate programs, we are STILL starving college students. We do not have extra cash just lying around to fix all these problems.

I freaked out and decided to take my car to a coworker's house (where his dad would do the repair without charging $100/hr for labor).

We managed to get the repair done successfully for $350. Thanks, coworker.

Yesterday the fun continued. I took my car to get the safety and emissions testing done. Luckily, I had a coupon for a $22 test. Luck was on my side...

...NOT! When the guy called me up to the counter he kindly told me that my car would not pass safety and emissions without getting new rear break pads. He also threw in that the front ones were almost gone, too, but they were barely passing inspection. The price tag for this repair? Around $150.

Also, the emissions didn't pass because they couldn't get a good reading from a few things. The solution? Drive the car around for a few days since it's been sitting for repairs for the past 2 weeks.

Super. Drive around a car with an expired registration. That's fun. "Hey, coppers! I'm driving with an expired registration. Come and catch me if you can!"

So, I still have to get the brake pads fixed, drive the car around for the next few days, take the car back to get safety and emissions within 15 days and still get the car registered.

Yay for me.

To make things even more hilariously pathetic, my glasses cracked and are getting repaired right now (another $100 repair! Yippee!). I'm currently wearing my old glasses that are definitely a few prescriptions old. Old glasses mixed with 5 hours of staring at a computer screen sounds just fantastic. I think this headache is coming along quite nicely.

Sometimes life is lived on the little victories. Right now my victory is not throwing a chair out a window. Go me.

Heber Fever

I have officially accepted a job offer in Wasatch County School District (actually, I accepted quite a while ago, but am just now updating the ol' blog). It is a full-time position at one of the elementary schools in Heber City. I'll also be working part of my time with the preschoolers as well as the 7th graders in the middle school. I'm pretty excited to have a variety of ages to work with. I'm looking forward to working in the district. It's a smaller district, and I'm excited to feel part of a team.

Remember how I was in a never-ending debate of doom over whether moving to Heber was a good idea? Yeah, I remember it too. Well, Bob and I finally put on our big girl panties and made a decision. Well, I guess Bob put on his big boy briefs... that's besides the point. The point is that we have made a decision.

Drum roll please....

We have decided to move to Heber City.

Ooh...pretty valley.

I'm pretty darn excited about this decision for the following reasons.

#1: Heber is new adventure where Bob and I can try new things and meet new people.

#2: 15 minutes to Park City. Can you say "Ski Bum"?

#3: 15 minutes to Jordanelle Reservoir, 10 minutes to Deer Creek Reservoir. Clearly, we'll need to buy a boat. Wait, those are expensive. Maybe a canoe?

#4: Fresh air year-round.

#5: Hello outdoors! Hiking, swimming, biking, horseback riding (clearly we'll need to make some friends with horses), 4-wheeling, et cetera.

Now we just need to find a place to live. Why is it so hard to find a place that has 2 bathrooms, and is pet friendly for under $1000? I found this cute home for rent, 2 bed, 1 bath and pet friendly, but the rent is $1200 a month. Exsqueese me? It would be cheaper for us to buy a cute little townhome with 3 beds, 2 baths just down the street.

If you know of anyplace that is renting in Heber with 2+ bedrooms and is pet friendly for under $1000 I will buy you a pizza. If there is a fence backyard I will throw in breadsticks AND sauce. Seriously, you can't ask for a better deal than that!

Bob's dad really wants us to buy right now. We're still not sure if we'll buy or rent, but either way I'm sure we'll find a fun place to call our own.

Doctor and Master

Bob has now officially graduated from the S.J. Quinney College of Law. All that's left is for him to take and pass the Bar. His graduation ceremony was long great. All I gotta say is that lawyers LOVE to hear themselves talk. Despite this, the speakers were quite good and the company was fantastic. Bob had himself quite the cheering squad complete with me, my mom, his father, stepfather, mother, stepmother, two sisters, one brother, one half-brother, and 4 nieces/nephews. We love our Bob.

I'm currently in the middle of reading "Room," among other books. (Did you see my new 2012 Reading List here?) I've been a reading fanatic lately. Anywho, since I'm completely absorbed in Room and Delirium, I'll just finish this post with pictures.

The Graduate

Bob's sister, Mariah, made him an AWESOME lei. 

Bob and his [single] friend Aaron. Here's looking at you, ladies!

Good lookin' couple if I do say so myself

Bob + 2 neices, 2 nephews, and 1 half brother. So much sillyness!

Bob & Momma Kim

Stepfather Thom and Momma Kare

"Doctor" Bob and "Master" Cilla. We Did It!

Here's a final funny story for you. Bob and I decided to take this last picture right before getting in the car. Notice how Bob has his purple tassel? Later in the day I was looking for it to add it to his undergraduate tassels and it was myteriously missing. We checked the entire apartment (it's 600 square feet and didn't take long to go through) and in and around the car. The tassel? Still missing. I even drove back to this parking lot to check the ground. No tassel.

I'm going to assume that some starving law student couldn't afford his/her tassel so they swooped in all 007-like and stole the tassel while Bob was getting in the car. There is really no other explanation for it. Also, since I'm such a sentimental nerdo I went to the University Bookstore a few days ago to purchase a new tassel. Ah, memories.

Master Cilla

Thursday, May 3, 2012 was my graduate school convocation ceremony. I am officially a graduate of the University of Utah in Speech Language Pathology.

I am a Master.

Boo-freaking-ya.

I am so relieved to be [almost] done with my program. I have 1 week left of my externship with Granite School District and then I will officially be done. By this Thursday around 3pm I will be dunzo, finished, complete! I love this feeling of peace in my life right now. In fact, I currently have 3 library books in my possession with a full intent to read ALL of them in the next week or so. Man, I've missed reading for pleasure.

And now, since a picture can tell a thousand words, here are 22,000 words on my progression from High School Graduate to Bachelor to Master. Is it just me, or do I look like I have more wrinkles in my Master's pictures? Man, stress does a number on your face. Enjoy!

First off, Cottonwood High School Graduation. June 2005

What's cookin' good lookin'?

I'm thinking...I'm thinking...I'm thinking...

All dressed up and ready to go!

Support from an awesome Momma. 



Dinner at Olive Garden.

L to R: Brother Jordan, Momma Kim, Brother-in-law Ryan, Grandma Shirley,

Grandpa Gordon, Papa Mark, Me, and Auntie Lizzy

Now on to University of Utah Bachelor's Graduation. Degrees in Behavioral Science and Health and Communication Sciences and Disorders. May 2010

Curly hair was the 'do of choice in 2010. Good call, Cilla.

 Not too much garb on. Just the classic cap, gown, and tassels.

Brother, husband, and parental support.

Extended family!

 Extended family x2!

This graduation I had me a husband. Go Team Neve!

And finally, Graduation from the University of Utah with a Master's Degree in Speech-Language Pathology! May 3, 2012

The Master's and Ph.D. candidates entered the Huntsman Center from the tunnel. Very official.



  My sister-in-law Maraih (on the left) suprised me with some gorgeous handmade leis. Thanks, lady!

 

As alwasys, Husband Bob was there in full support. 

Mom, Dad, and Yours Truly

Lots of extended family support this year. I am so blessed!

I think I love this man.

In our Grad program everyone seemed to end up with a "buddy."
This is my buddy. Miss Ashley Lamph.

 

The whole gang joined up for dinner at Spaghetti Factory. It was delicious!

Well, there you have it. My progession from High Schooler to Bachelor to Master. Will there be a jump to Doctor next? Hells, no. At least, not for 5-10 years. I have been at the University of Utah for 7 consecutive years. As much as I love the campus and love learning, my brain is F-R-I-E-D. I'm looking forward to no more studying, no more tests, and no more stress (at least, stress that is school-related).

In looking forward to the future, I'm excited for so many things. Babies, salary, insurance, and most of all, spending more quality time with friends and family without an article or notes stuck to my face. 2012 and beyond are bright my friends.

For I am The Master.