Monday, February 20, 2012

THE Quarter-Life Crisis

I've been going though my quarter-life crisis lately. I didn't actually think that would happen. But it did. And it sucks. These last few weeks I have been beating myself up pretty badly. I've been feeling really down on myself. Like really, really. This crisis centers around the fact that I'm not currently the person I thought I'd be 8 years ago. Here's the comparison between "High School Cilla" and "Current Cilla" so you can see what's been running through my head lately.

High School Cilla Was...
- A Kick-Butt Dancer
- Debate State Champion
- An Artist (C-wood High purchased one of my colored pencils)
- Energy Extraordinaire! 
- Grabbing Leads in the School Plays
- A Wear-What-I-Want Kinda Gal. (Outfit of choice? Jeans, funky tees, Chuck Taylor High Tops, and black thick-rimmed glasses)
- A Smarty Pants (I graduated with a 3.9 GPA)
- SKINNY! (Size 2/4)

Above all, when I was in High School, I was sure I would become someone who would change the world. I would do amazing things and continue to better myself and those around me. I was happy, and felt confident that my talents (dancing, debating, drawing, writing) would continue to improve as I entered and completed college. I wanted to be a writer, particularly writing witty commentary for entertainment purposes. I wanted to  complete my education quickly and begin my career.

High School Cilla felt like the world was at her fingertips and as long as she worked hard she could reach any goal she set for herself. I think High School Cilla would be a bit saddened if she saw me today...

Current Cilla Is...
- No Longer A Dancer (Also no longer flexible)
- No Longer Debating
- STILL Trying to Finish an Art Project Started in 2006
- Tired. All. The. Time
- Not Sure She Can Even Act Anymore
- Horribly Dressed 
- Projected to Finish Grad School With a 3.6. (Undergrad was also a 3.6)
- A Size 6/8

What happened to me!?! How did I go from a talented, ambitious teenager to a lame, defeated adult? I don't even feel like the same person I was back in High School. I feel like I lost what made me, me.

And the problem is, I can find out what that lost characteristic is.

I keep thinking, maybe if I go out and buy myself some Chucks I'll feel better,

...But a pair of shoes can't change a person.

Occasionally I search local auditions for community theater,

...But can never seem to muster the courage to audition (going back to the fact that I'm not sure I can even act anymore).

High School was so easy. If I studied hard for a test, I usually got an A. In Grad School I feel like I can study for days and days and days and muster a lousy B. I honestly and sincerely feel like I'm losing my intelligence. I've always been a stickler with grades, and pulling out a 3.5/3.6 in college makes me feel like a greater failure than my loss of acting, drawing, or debating ability combined.

Even better? Both my brother and sister pulled out almost perfect grades in Grad School. Way to make me feel like the dumb one in the family.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are many wonderful things that have happened since I graduated High School. 

College Priscilla...
- Married an Amazing Man!
- Got the Perfect Puppy
- Earned 2 Bachelor's Degrees
- Made Some Lifelong Friends (Seriously, I have the best group of friends in the world)

So why am I not happy? Marriage is good, Maggie is good, I have so many blessings! And here I am feeling like a complete failure. 

I keep thinking that I'll be happy after I graduate. I'll be happy when I'm not living in a cave-like basement. I'll be happy when I get paid for all the hard work I do. I'll be happy when Bob gets a full-time job. I'll be happy when I lose another 5 pounds. I'll be happy when I finally get a second pink line on the stupid pregnancy test.

But I need to stop assuming that the future will bring this elusive "happiness."  I need this happiness now. Above all, I need to make this happiness happen.

I know that this feeling of failure is the Adversary's way of bringing me down and making me feel like a failure. I'm trying to put up my best fight, but I feel like Zoolander staring at his own reflection asking, "Who Am I?" (I know, ridiculous reference, but it works). I'm 25 and feel like I should have done so much more by now. I should have visited more places. I should have experienced more things. I should have become so much more.

In High School I was a dancer, writer, artist, debater, and actor. I was witty, ambitious, bold, spontaneous, goal-oriented, and smart.

And now?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Speaking Of...

I've had so many random thoughts running through my head lately I thought I'd just throw them down into a blog smorgasbord. Here we go:

I neither hate nor like Valentine's Day. Bob and I try and tell each other "I Love You" fairly often, so we don't need V-Day's little reminder to show our love. I can put that reminder in my phone if I need it, thankyouverymuch. Another bummer? Bob's in court all day today and I have class until 7:30pm. Nothing says romance like a little DUI and cleft palate!

Speaking of cleft palate...

It's pretty pathetic how much I want this semester to be over. I love my externship but am ready to get paid for the hard work that I do (selfish, much?). Bob is also working 2 days a week at the Prosecutor's office without pay. We are only working 3 days COMBINED that we get paid for. So we're getting paid for 3 days work, but are both putting in at least 40 hours of work and school each week.

Grad School = Free Labor

I'm done providing free labor and sitting through 3-hour long lectures just so I can get a piece of paper that says "Priscilla really did pass all her classes and is fairly competent to be thrown into the real world."

I feel bad that I want these next few months to move as quickly as possible. I'd also like this summer to move quickly (Bob takes the Bar in July, and I'm not looking forward to having an absent husband all summer). Then again, I don't want this summer to move fast because I love Summer. In fact, if we could just time-warp to Summer 2013 I'd be the happiest girl alive. Summer 2013 will probably be the best Summer of my life. No school. No Bar. No tests. Full time job. Warm weather. Living above ground? I sure hope so.

Speaking of living above ground...

I'm sick of living in a basement cave. I don't have windows in my office at the school or at my paid job. I'm desperate for some warmth. I'm desperate for some Vitamin D. I'm desperate for Spring.

I hate winter. You'd think after 25 of them , I'd at least be used to them. Nope. I hate scraping frost off of my car every morning. I hate that I can't take Maggie for a nice walk in the park. I hate feeling cold all. the. time.

Maybe I'll apply to SLP positions in St. George. I am ready for a warmer winter!

Wow. This blog post is a downer. Sorry about that. Umm... something positive...something positive...

Maggie is the best dog ever. That's positive, right? Bob's pretty cool, too. I'm not sure of my current cool status, so I won't make an estimation.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Climb Because I Care...

Man, that title rocks my socks!

Hi Friends,

This month I am participating in the Fight For Air Climb benefiting the American Lung Association. This is a unique race where participants race up the 598 steps (23 floors) of the Wells Fargo Center to raise money for the American Lung Association.

Awesome, right??

I am pledging to make the climb 3 times - a little over the height of the Eiffel Tower. Bob and I have joined team "Slingshot" and are competing against the Park City Fire Dept. and Wells Fargo to raise the most money.

Bring on the competition!

I you would like to donate to this great cause (all donations go to the American Lung Association) I would greatly appreciate it.

You can make donations through my personal page here.

Or donate to my team here.

If you are interested in participating, I'd LOVE to have you join my team. We are sure to have a blast! You only have to climb the Wells Fargo Center 1 time, but if you're like me (crazy, that is) you can climb as many times as you'd like!

I'm super excited for this event and can't wait to show you all glamorous pics of me from the race.