Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Big Girls Don't Cry

That tiny flicker of hope that I had this weekend was crushed by the arrival of a monthly friend on Sunday. I'm surprised to say that I didn't cry. I felt officially defeated, but I did not cry.

When searching for a little quote to toss in with goodies to take around to neighbors today I came across this gem from Elder David S. Baxter:

"Many of you have already discovered the great, transforming truth that when you lift the burdens of others, your own burdens become lighter. Although circumstances may not have changed, your attitude has. You are able to face your own trials with greater acceptance, a more understanding heart, and deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you yet lack."

I love the latter part of this quote about having a deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you lack. Infertility at any level forces you to focus on what you lack. You lack a family. You lack a fetus in your belly, a baby in your arms, spit up on your shoulder. Your heart aches for the want of a child.

I have found comfort these past few months in feeling gratitude for the things that I do have in my life. My life is wonderful, and I have a lot that brings me happiness. It's simply hard to focus on the things you have when there is such a big thing missing.

I am the first to admit that I suck at feeling gratitude and not anger or irritation at my current situation. I didn't cry on Sunday, but I did pout and stomp my feet (yes, I am apparently 5). I've got a long way to go to stop focusing so much on what I'm lacking versus what I have, but I figure that I'm moving in the right direction.

After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

Friday, July 27, 2012

TTC (Trying To Conceive)

This morning I failed a urine test. Now before you get all shocked and send me information on local support groups in my area, let me assure you that it wasn't THAT type of test. It was a pregnancy test.

And I failed it big time.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've been trying to ace this test for the past year. I actually stopped testing for a while because the arrival of my monthly visitor was enough to know I would have failed the test (Plus, I heard the ever popular "Just stop trying and worrying for a while and it'll happen" Guess what? It didn't).

Each month I try harder to pass the test. I heard that caffeine can decrease fertility. I drank less soda. My friend suggested using ovulation tests for better planning. I bought 50 on Amazon (For $11. Go me!) I've Googled "ways to increase fertility" and "does [insert some random food/drink/OTC medication/lotion/etc] decrease fertility" so many times those suggestions drop down even when I'm not planning on doing baby-making research.

But alas, after peeing in a cup enough to last me a lifetime I still failed the test. I kept staring at it willing a second line to appear. Even the faintest of lines would have given me some hope. But, no. The screen was a white as white comes. Not even mother-of-pearl white, but burn-out-your-retinas white.


I'm not writing this blog as a pity party. I'm writing it because it's hard to swallow your hurt and simply answer "In a while" when someone asks you when you're going to have a baby. I don't know what it is, but after you've been married for 3 years people start attacking you with the baby question. The truth is, I don't know when we'll have a baby. I don't even know if we CAN have a baby. 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying (heck, 80% get pregnant within 6 months). And we are not those people.

When I met with my doctor before we started trying he told me that it could take up to 6 months after going off birth control before getting pregnant. Most of my friends got pregnant within 4 months of going off the pill so I was feeling confident that we would too.

And here I sit with nothing in but stomach but McDonald's.

Remember growing up how everyone told you "Don't have sex. It leads to pregnancy?" Well I trusted that statement. I trusted it big time. It was like an mathematical law.

Sex + No Protection = Baby

This equation has changed in the past year to

Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet = Maybe Baby


Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet + Ovulation Kit = Probably Not Baby

And even after I get pregnant I'm petrified of miscarriage. I'm scared of complications during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And with the way my luck's been going, I'm not confident that I'll have a "smooth" pregnancy. There are some days I get upset and just think "We'll just have to open a dog rescue so I can be surrounded my puppies my whole life." But, of course, I know that a puppy can't quite stack up to a baby.

I also know that many women have had to endure a lot more than me, and I have so much love and respect for them. I have yet to begin the next step of Operation GetABelly, but I can tell you right now that I am not looking forward to popping more pills, or getting shot up with hormones. I want to get pregnant the natural way like the majority of the population does. I want my simple math equation!

But I understand that life doesn't always go as planned. I pride myself on being a pretty flexible person, being able to adapt when things change around me. I guess this is just another adaptation. And I look forward to telling little Baby Neve, whenever or however they come to us, that I worked for them. That I wanted them and prayed for them before they were even in my tummy.

Aunt Flo still has yet to arrive this month. So there is the tiniest flicker of hope in the hidden corner of my heart that today's test was a fluke. It's extremely unlikely that it was, but I'll keep going on those little hopes. Because maybe one day that little hope will be a squishy, pink, wonderful little human being that will call me "Mom."

P.S. This is a fantastic post about what not to say to a couple TTC. Often times, these things just make a girl feel worse.