That tiny flicker of hope that I had this weekend was crushed by the arrival of a monthly friend on Sunday. I'm surprised to say that I didn't cry. I felt officially defeated, but I did not cry.
When searching for a little quote to toss in with goodies to take around to neighbors today I came across this gem from Elder David S. Baxter:
"Many of you have already discovered the great, transforming truth that when you lift the burdens of others, your own burdens become lighter. Although circumstances may not have changed, your attitude has. You are able to face your own trials with greater acceptance, a more understanding heart, and deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you yet lack."
I love the latter part of this quote about having a deeper gratitude for what you have, rather than pining for what you lack. Infertility at any level forces you to focus on what you lack. You lack a family. You lack a fetus in your belly, a baby in your arms, spit up on your shoulder. Your heart aches for the want of a child.
I have found comfort these past few months in feeling gratitude for the things that I do have in my life. My life is wonderful, and I have a lot that brings me happiness. It's simply hard to focus on the things you have when there is such a big thing missing.
I am the first to admit that I suck at feeling gratitude and not anger or irritation at my current situation. I didn't cry on Sunday, but I did pout and stomp my feet (yes, I am apparently 5). I've got a long way to go to stop focusing so much on what I'm lacking versus what I have, but I figure that I'm moving in the right direction.
After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?