This morning I failed a urine test. Now before you get all shocked and send me information on local support groups in my area, let me assure you that it wasn't THAT type of test. It was a pregnancy test.
And I failed it big time.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I've been trying to ace this test for the past year. I actually stopped testing for a while because the arrival of my monthly visitor was enough to know I would have failed the test (Plus, I heard the ever popular "Just stop trying and worrying for a while and it'll happen" Guess what? It didn't).
Each month I try harder to pass the test. I heard that caffeine can decrease fertility. I drank less soda. My friend suggested using ovulation tests for better planning. I bought 50 on Amazon (For $11. Go me!) I've Googled "ways to increase fertility" and "does [insert some random food/drink/OTC medication/lotion/etc] decrease fertility" so many times those suggestions drop down even when I'm not planning on doing baby-making research.
But alas, after peeing in a cup enough to last me a lifetime I still failed the test. I kept staring at it willing a second line to appear. Even the faintest of lines would have given me some hope. But, no. The screen was a white as white comes. Not even mother-of-pearl white, but burn-out-your-retinas white.
[Sigh]
I'm not writing this blog as a pity party. I'm writing it because it's hard to swallow your hurt and simply answer "In a while" when someone asks you when you're going to have a baby. I don't know what it is, but after you've been married for 3 years people start attacking you with the baby question. The truth is, I don't know when we'll have a baby. I don't even know if we CAN have a baby. 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying (heck, 80% get pregnant within 6 months). And we are not those people.
When I met with my doctor before we started trying he told me that it could take up to 6 months after going off birth control before getting pregnant. Most of my friends got pregnant within 4 months of going off the pill so I was feeling confident that we would too.
And here I sit with nothing in but stomach but McDonald's.
Remember growing up how everyone told you "Don't have sex. It leads to pregnancy?" Well I trusted that statement. I trusted it big time. It was like an mathematical law.
Sex + No Protection = Baby
This equation has changed in the past year to
Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet = Maybe Baby
to
Sex + No Protection + Altered Diet + Ovulation Kit = Probably Not Baby
And even after I get pregnant I'm petrified of miscarriage. I'm scared of complications during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And with the way my luck's been going, I'm not confident that I'll have a "smooth" pregnancy. There are some days I get upset and just think "We'll just have to open a dog rescue so I can be surrounded my puppies my whole life." But, of course, I know that a puppy can't quite stack up to a baby.
I also know that many women have had to endure a lot more than me, and I have so much love and respect for them. I have yet to begin the next step of Operation GetABelly, but I can tell you right now that I am not looking forward to popping more pills, or getting shot up with hormones. I want to get pregnant the natural way like the majority of the population does. I want my simple math equation!
But I understand that life doesn't always go as planned. I pride myself on being a pretty flexible person, being able to adapt when things change around me. I guess this is just another adaptation. And I look forward to telling little Baby Neve, whenever or however they come to us, that I worked for them. That I wanted them and prayed for them before they were even in my tummy.
Aunt Flo still has yet to arrive this month. So there is the tiniest flicker of hope in the hidden corner of my heart that today's test was a fluke. It's extremely unlikely that it was, but I'll keep going on those little hopes. Because maybe one day that little hope will be a squishy, pink, wonderful little human being that will call me "Mom."
P.S. This is a fantastic post about what not to say to a couple TTC. Often times, these things just make a girl feel worse.
7 comments:
Cilla! I love you and I love reading your blog. We really do need to get together and do something. What do ya think? I do have to say that you will always fear something when it comes to being a parent! Those fears just change as you enter different phases of life! It's an adventure!
Cilla this is a bummer. I have 3 sister in laws trying to get pregnant (they have been trying 2 yrs, 2 years, and 5 years respectively). From their experience I know how difficult it can be(with IVF and such). I hope it happens for you guys soon! In the time being eat all those things you cant while your pregnant (sushi, lunchmeat, cookie dough with eggs). It wont help you get a baby but might make you feel better!
Hugs. That's all I can say. Hugs. There's a community out there that, although they can't fix the situation, you can commiserate with. Check out therhouse.com and hook up with community of fellow TTC'ers. I've found that not feeling alone and reading hopeful stories is the best way to deal with this kind of thing. More hugs.
I'm so sorry Cilla. I'm sure your heart just sinks to your stomach every time the test comes back negative. I wish I could give you a hug. And Jessica is so right about the worry thing. My baby is healthy an happy, but I still check on him every couple hours during the night cuz I'm worried he's not breathing or something.
I hope a pregnancy test comes up positive for you sometime soon. You'll be such an awesomely fun mom!
Awe! I love and miss your face! Here's to hoping Aunt Flo has to cancel her visits permanently for the next year! Prayers.
I didn't know you were trying! I'm excited for you though I can imagine your frustration. I'm secretly paranoid about not being able to have kids {I have been for years} & then things happen & you wonder. I don't know what else to say besides we love you & Bob & we need to get together soon :)
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