High School Cilla Was...
- A Kick-Butt Dancer
- Debate State Champion
- An Artist (C-wood High purchased one of my colored pencils)
- Energy Extraordinaire!
- Grabbing Leads in the School Plays
- A Wear-What-I-Want Kinda Gal. (Outfit of choice? Jeans, funky tees, Chuck Taylor High Tops, and black thick-rimmed glasses)
- A Smarty Pants (I graduated with a 3.9 GPA)
- SKINNY! (Size 2/4)
Above all, when I was in High School, I was sure I would become someone who would change the world. I would do amazing things and continue to better myself and those around me. I was happy, and felt confident that my talents (dancing, debating, drawing, writing) would continue to improve as I entered and completed college. I wanted to be a writer, particularly writing witty commentary for entertainment purposes. I wanted to complete my education quickly and begin my career.
High School Cilla felt like the world was at her fingertips and as long as she worked hard she could reach any goal she set for herself. I think High School Cilla would be a bit saddened if she saw me today...
Current Cilla Is...
- No Longer A Dancer (Also no longer flexible)
- No Longer Debating
- STILL Trying to Finish an Art Project Started in 2006
- Tired. All. The. Time
- Not Sure She Can Even Act Anymore
- Horribly Dressed
- Projected to Finish Grad School With a 3.6. (Undergrad was also a 3.6)
- A Size 6/8
What happened to me!?! How did I go from a talented, ambitious teenager to a lame, defeated adult? I don't even feel like the same person I was back in High School. I feel like I lost what made me, me.
And the problem is, I can find out what that lost characteristic is.
I keep thinking, maybe if I go out and buy myself some Chucks I'll feel better,
...But a pair of shoes can't change a person.
Occasionally I search local auditions for community theater,
...But can never seem to muster the courage to audition (going back to the fact that I'm not sure I can even act anymore).
High School was so easy. If I studied hard for a test, I usually got an A. In Grad School I feel like I can study for days and days and days and muster a lousy B. I honestly and sincerely feel like I'm losing my intelligence. I've always been a stickler with grades, and pulling out a 3.5/3.6 in college makes me feel like a greater failure than my loss of acting, drawing, or debating ability combined.
Even better? Both my brother and sister pulled out almost perfect grades in Grad School. Way to make me feel like the dumb one in the family.
Now, don't get me wrong, there are many wonderful things that have happened since I graduated High School.
- Married an Amazing Man!
- Got the Perfect Puppy
- Earned 2 Bachelor's Degrees
- Made Some Lifelong Friends (Seriously, I have the best group of friends in the world)
So why am I not happy? Marriage is good, Maggie is good, I have so many blessings! And here I am feeling like a complete failure.
I keep thinking that I'll be happy after I graduate. I'll be happy when I'm not living in a cave-like basement. I'll be happy when I get paid for all the hard work I do. I'll be happy when Bob gets a full-time job. I'll be happy when I lose another 5 pounds. I'll be happy when I finally get a second pink line on the stupid pregnancy test.
But I need to stop assuming that the future will bring this elusive "happiness." I need this happiness now. Above all, I need to make this happiness happen.
I know that this feeling of failure is the Adversary's way of bringing me down and making me feel like a failure. I'm trying to put up my best fight, but I feel like Zoolander staring at his own reflection asking, "Who Am I?" (I know, ridiculous reference, but it works). I'm 25 and feel like I should have done so much more by now. I should have visited more places. I should have experienced more things. I should have become so much more.
In High School I was a dancer, writer, artist, debater, and actor. I was witty, ambitious, bold, spontaneous, goal-oriented, and smart.