Monday, February 20, 2012

THE Quarter-Life Crisis

I've been going though my quarter-life crisis lately. I didn't actually think that would happen. But it did. And it sucks. These last few weeks I have been beating myself up pretty badly. I've been feeling really down on myself. Like really, really. This crisis centers around the fact that I'm not currently the person I thought I'd be 8 years ago. Here's the comparison between "High School Cilla" and "Current Cilla" so you can see what's been running through my head lately.

High School Cilla Was...
- A Kick-Butt Dancer
- Debate State Champion
- An Artist (C-wood High purchased one of my colored pencils)
- Energy Extraordinaire! 
- Grabbing Leads in the School Plays
- A Wear-What-I-Want Kinda Gal. (Outfit of choice? Jeans, funky tees, Chuck Taylor High Tops, and black thick-rimmed glasses)
- A Smarty Pants (I graduated with a 3.9 GPA)
- SKINNY! (Size 2/4)

Above all, when I was in High School, I was sure I would become someone who would change the world. I would do amazing things and continue to better myself and those around me. I was happy, and felt confident that my talents (dancing, debating, drawing, writing) would continue to improve as I entered and completed college. I wanted to be a writer, particularly writing witty commentary for entertainment purposes. I wanted to  complete my education quickly and begin my career.

High School Cilla felt like the world was at her fingertips and as long as she worked hard she could reach any goal she set for herself. I think High School Cilla would be a bit saddened if she saw me today...

Current Cilla Is...
- No Longer A Dancer (Also no longer flexible)
- No Longer Debating
- STILL Trying to Finish an Art Project Started in 2006
- Tired. All. The. Time
- Not Sure She Can Even Act Anymore
- Horribly Dressed 
- Projected to Finish Grad School With a 3.6. (Undergrad was also a 3.6)
- A Size 6/8

What happened to me!?! How did I go from a talented, ambitious teenager to a lame, defeated adult? I don't even feel like the same person I was back in High School. I feel like I lost what made me, me.

And the problem is, I can find out what that lost characteristic is.

I keep thinking, maybe if I go out and buy myself some Chucks I'll feel better,

...But a pair of shoes can't change a person.

Occasionally I search local auditions for community theater,

...But can never seem to muster the courage to audition (going back to the fact that I'm not sure I can even act anymore).

High School was so easy. If I studied hard for a test, I usually got an A. In Grad School I feel like I can study for days and days and days and muster a lousy B. I honestly and sincerely feel like I'm losing my intelligence. I've always been a stickler with grades, and pulling out a 3.5/3.6 in college makes me feel like a greater failure than my loss of acting, drawing, or debating ability combined.

Even better? Both my brother and sister pulled out almost perfect grades in Grad School. Way to make me feel like the dumb one in the family.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are many wonderful things that have happened since I graduated High School. 

College Priscilla...
- Married an Amazing Man!
- Got the Perfect Puppy
- Earned 2 Bachelor's Degrees
- Made Some Lifelong Friends (Seriously, I have the best group of friends in the world)

So why am I not happy? Marriage is good, Maggie is good, I have so many blessings! And here I am feeling like a complete failure. 

I keep thinking that I'll be happy after I graduate. I'll be happy when I'm not living in a cave-like basement. I'll be happy when I get paid for all the hard work I do. I'll be happy when Bob gets a full-time job. I'll be happy when I lose another 5 pounds. I'll be happy when I finally get a second pink line on the stupid pregnancy test.

But I need to stop assuming that the future will bring this elusive "happiness."  I need this happiness now. Above all, I need to make this happiness happen.

I know that this feeling of failure is the Adversary's way of bringing me down and making me feel like a failure. I'm trying to put up my best fight, but I feel like Zoolander staring at his own reflection asking, "Who Am I?" (I know, ridiculous reference, but it works). I'm 25 and feel like I should have done so much more by now. I should have visited more places. I should have experienced more things. I should have become so much more.

In High School I was a dancer, writer, artist, debater, and actor. I was witty, ambitious, bold, spontaneous, goal-oriented, and smart.

And now?

5 comments:

Robby and Brittany Williams said...

Cilla, I just want you to know that I think you're fabulous! You're the life of a party, gorgeous, talented, and you're bettering the lives of the children you teach.

I think you're doing wonderful things and that you are an amazing person. No battle! :)

Amy said...

Funny that you are saying all those negative things about yourself, because I was reading your post thinking that are a great writer. Seriously, I remember kind of feeling that way at your spot, but Jordan and I always think, Oh, if we could just go back to our 400 sq ft apartment, before we had kids, when we were in college. Even though you're on the turning point of so many things..graduating, a bigger place, more cash, kids, etc, think of all the things that will go away when that comes. Freedom to sleep all night, freedom to hang out with friends on weekends until 2. Taking Sunday walks with Bob without a stroller. Also, I think memories get a little glassy after a lot of time, but I bet the high school Priscilla would look at you now and think your life rocked - grad school, cool husband, cool friends. Wow, this is long. Be happy girl! WE love ya!

Caitie Miller said...

I'm so sorry Priscilla. I know how those thoughts can eat at you. And I know just how frustrating it is to DESPERATELY want that second little pink line and never see it. I cried like constantly for months before I got permission to actually get pregnant, but I was so desperately hoping it would happen by "accident." Are you and Bob trying to get pregnant? If you ever want to talk I'm totally here for you!

Melinda said...

Cryla! I love you to pieces and so does everyone else. You've accomplished a lot and have no reason to be disappointed in yourself. That being said, I think most people go through periods of feeling down on themselves or feeling like life hasn't quite turned out the way they planned it out when they were younger. I know I feel that way sometimes. If you're really feeling down, just head over to Kneaders and grab some of that amazing french toast. :) Seriously though, you are such a talented girl!

And P.S. Can we get together in like 8 weeks when I have moved back to Utah? I would love to catch up.

Iordanov's said...

I totally understand, people like us who have goals and want to achieve a lot can sometimes have difficulty separating the fact that we haven't accomplished everything yet & being happy. I think you're pretty awesome & am SUPER glad you're my sister in law! I like that you're stuck with me :D