Breaking Dawn Against My Will

Stephanie Meyer's fourth installment of the Twilight series comes out on Saturday. Finally, the world will know if Bella chooses life with Jacob, or death with Edward (or some other road we have not considered)!

Sadly, Meyer's writing style and prose are, let's face it, pretty horrendous. I have spent countless hours reading about how close Bella and Edward get to having a passionate make-out (or worse...wink, wink), and nothing ever happens! Do I even need to tell you how frustrating this series is? I swear the only reason I keep reading is because I think that soon something of juicy value will come of it.

But nothing ever happens.

So I read on with the bad descriptions, poor visualizations, and ugly past-tense prose in hopes that Edward will accidentally turn her into a vampire, or Jacob will win her heart. My hope lies with the latter.

Finally, what is so freaking special about Bella? Are you honestly going to tell me that this accident-prone girl is getting the hunk-sickle just because she smells good? I understand the whole 'pheromones and sexual desire' bit, but shouldn't Bella have another attractive feature? What is this telling the young girls that are the target audience for this book?

Brains, looks, personality, or pretty much anything else for that matter will not help you get a guy. You can be a complete hazard and end up with a model-look-alike as long as you waft a constant aroma of Love Spell.

Puh-lease! Seriously girls, stay in school and quit spending your money at Bath & Body Works.
Take my advice, Edward. It's time to drink the wine. You've smelled the bouquet enough!

So aside from my ranting and raving, I will still be at my front door mid-morning on Saturday waiting for my pre-ordered copy of Breaking Dawn to arrive.

Do I think the whole story is rather stupid?

Yes.

Do I believe that there are other literary works that are better worth my time?

Yes.

Have I been completely sucked (pun intended) into Meyer's world of vampires, high school, and imminent danger around every corner that may or may not turn our dear and close friend, Bella, into a living-dead, and potentially out-of-control newborn vampire so she can live for all eternity with the one man who she cannot bare to be separated from, and I must get this book as soon as possible to find out how this story ends (run-on sentence intended)?

Danggit! Yes! Yes I tell you!

I need to go read Grapes of Wrath now...

Curl Up and Dye

So by now I'm sure you have noticed that I changed the layout and look of my blog. Yeah, I decided that I needed more color. If you want to get psychological, my life is bubbly and spontaneous and simply cannot be blogged about in black, white, and red. Ohh...Priscilla is deep!

So upon thinking about my short-lived background I began to think about how much I have undiagnosed A.D.D. Change is pretty much my middle name (Danger is my other middle name). New things keep me on my toes and interested in some of the more boring things in life.

For example: Hair color. Visual evidence shows that I used to be a dishwater blonde. My roots suggest that I am a dark ash brunette. My current hair color is medium brunette with blonde highlights. So what is my natural hair color? Who knows? The truth has been covered up by layer upon layer of dye over the passing years. It's true that I'm addicted to the bottle. And how could I not be? It all starts with the smallest suggestion:

You walk into the mall and a lady with gorgeous red hair is walking out. You think to yourself, "Gosh, I would love to have her hair, I should dye it red!" You make the appointment and next thing you know...BOOM... you are a redhead! Too bad red hair colour fades in, like, 2 seconds. So you go back to the stylist and decide that blonde is the hair color to fit your season. The blonde is beautiful, and let's face it, blondes really do have more fun! But in 8 short weeks, your natural brown hair makes an appearance and you have 2 ugly inches of growth.

The spiraling vortex of doom continues...


From blonde to brunette to highlights to low lights, you are a dying fiend! Your right eye develops a rather noticeable twitch as you are anxiously searching for you next colour fix. You pay off people in the streets to buy you a box of Loreal Colour Experte. Month after month you continue to dye, dye, DYE! No one can stop your obsession with color!

But then the worst happens. You dye your hair to death. Split ends are creeping their way up the hair shaft, breakage is running rampant, and frizz is the new sleek. Your colour rampage is put to an end as you cut your hair into a buzz cut to save what healthy, un-dyed hair you have left.

You promise yourself you will never go through that hell again.

...But then you walk into the grocery store...

Hopefully this extreme future of my hair dyeing obsession will not end like this. I really can stop whenever I want...I'll stop AFTER tomorrow's appointment at the Salon. Now I just can't decide whether I should go red or blonde...

Beware the Groove!

She walks to the laptop with great intensity. A shiny disc catches the light flowing in from her second-story window and splashes a rainbow on the wall opposite her bed. Upon reaching the computer, she slowly sits down into the leathery seat and carefully inserts the disc into a small compartment on the right side.

The disc spins and whirls until it reaches the correct RPM. Faint music escapes the speakers - clearly a volume that is not satisfactory. Adjustments are made and she hops into the adjacent bathroom to grab a round hairbrush just in time to scream:

"They told him don't you ever come around here, don't wanna see your face you better disappear! The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear... So Beat It. Just Beat it!"

She hops on the bed, disheveling the pillows, and strikes a pose to accompany every "Beat It!" (four in total). The hairbrush is dropped on the third phrase, but she continues to dance. A "thumbs up" gesture now takes the role of microphone and the flailing continues. After four and a half minutes of moon walking, popping, and the occasional running man, she falls to the ground and allows perspiration to easily escape her pores.

***

This scene takes place in my bedroom at least 3 times week, if not more. At least 4 times a week you can find me singing and dancing in my car. The majority of the time innocent citizens in their cars parallel to me get a private performance. When I am not the driver of the car I like to roll down my window and serenade other drivers. The reactions are hilarious and I never have a camera handy. So, to the point of my post:

Dancing is dangerous.

Whenever I hear music I can't help but bob my head and shake it like a Polaroid picture. And whenever I get into the groove I always seem to hurt myself or someone else. (See previous post for the bus incident). The most common injury is a nice, green bruise, but on occasion blood gets jealous and decides to make an appearance. Even when I'm in the car, I still find something to smack my hand or forehead on. While this makes for great entertainment to the surrounding cars, I'm starting to look like a green-spotted cheetah. I would wear padding for protection, but I am still recovering from the mocking that came from wearing a helmet while playing chess (pointy bishops + sleep deprivation = impalement).

And I am not the only dangerous dancer out there folks. Hansel and the DJ have a break-dance fight in Zoolander, dizzy ballerinas are little weapons just waiting to kick nearby dancers. To finalize my point, let’s observe Night at the Roxbury. Haddaway and car windows simply do not mix.

Please dance with caution, everyone. You never know when that next Cabbage Patch will be your last.

Hal's Tips For Life

I'm a bus rider. I ride the bus. Everyday I happily skip (yes, I really do skip) to the bus stop at the end of my street and hop on public transportation. I love it! I am a proud tree-hugger (minus the potchuli and hairy legs), and I try to do my part to help the environment. I also have a solid half-hour to read a book, play Sudoku, or listen to some feel-good tunes. Oh, and did I mention how it's free? Yeah...I'm saving $70 a month. Cha-ching! Yay UTA!

Anywho, I met a fine fellow on the bus today. His name is Hal. My bus pal, Hal. Now, usually I am one of those quiet bus riders with her nose stuck in a gigantic novel while bobbing back and forth to her 80s rock music. On occasion I unconsciously start singing to my tunes, but I have tried to watch myself more after Mr. Roboto made me backhand a defenseless bag lady.

Poor bag lady.

Today was a special day, for it was the first time in my bus-riding life that I pulled my snout out of my Sudoku to have an actual conversation with another human being. Hal was a very talkative 60-something, and talked to me from the moment we entered the bus to the second I departed. His wide smile displayed crooked and stained lower teeth and his salt-and-pepper hair was hidden under a red cap that advertised some service group from 1976.

Hal and I had a nice conversation that ranged from running to organic produce. From organic produce, Hal got off on a tangent. And from that tangent he entered another tangent. Seriously, folks, tangents were spawning tangents just like Rabbits! Before long I was taking mental notes on all the advice Hal was giving me. It was so shocking what Hal ended up telling me I just had to share it with you all. So here are Hal's little life tips:

1) Before peeling an onion, place it in the freezer or very cold fridge for about 30mins. This helps reduce the amount of vapor that escapes the onion and makes your eyes less teary. You can also cut it while running it under cold water to get rid of those crying eyes. After you cut the onion, grab a tablespoon of salt and wash your hands with it to get rid of that strong smell that seems to be on your fingers forever!

2) Chewing sugar-free gum after eating increases saliva production and keeps your teeth and gums healthy. Gum can also help keep your jaw muscles strong and may also help with digestion.

3) If you suffer from headaches from looking at something for too long (a computer screen usually does it for me!), grab a lemon or lime and wipe it across your forehead for quick relief before pain meds take effect.

So do these little tricks actually work? I have no idea. But you better believe that I am going to try them all! Heck, when a guy on the bus named Hal starts sharing all his wisdom with you, you take it! It's all about baby steps. Overcome onion vapors...check. Relieve headache...check. Strengthen teeth...check. Use onions, mouth, and concentration to take over the world...

Check...

Check...

Check.

For Your Consideration...

Hiya Readers!

Welcome to my new blog. As much as I loved writing long, semi-non-fictional accounts of my life on It Has Raisins, I feel as if it is my time to fly solo for a while. Just think of me as the Beyonce of Blogging...minus the booty. (The Cilla ain't got much junk in the trunk). That aside, I think you will all enjoy Go That Way Really Fast. It will have the same wacky commentary about everyday life with a bit more Cilla, a little less fiber, and a plethora of movie references.

-Priscilla